Just give me 5 minutes of your time! I know you told me you’d had enough, I know you said it was over between us but I beg you hear me out!
When you left, I never thought it was forever, I was so sure that you would come back like you always did but how wrong could I be?! I have you to thank though because believing I may have lost you for good, forced me to take a long hard look at myself. I have realised that I let you down and I want you to know that I have changed because I want you back so much! When my memberships fall, it affects my profits but I can tell you it’s never been about the money to me, oh no, I really care about you. I know how important it is for you to be slim and I want you to come back to me so I can help you reach your goal.
I can just hear you saying ‘but you’ve said that before’ and I’m not denying it, you are right I have. Believe me, I have spent so many nights crying into my pillow for the lies I told you over and over again. You have to believe me though, this time I really have changed. My board members are fed up and our profits are down so something had to give. All I need is for you to give me another chance to put things right and to prove to you that I can live up to my promises.
I know how much you hated counting calories so now if you’ll give me another chance, you won’t have to ever again!! I really mean it, I have banned the word calorie because I listened to you, I heard how difficult it was to count them and how it made you feel so restricted – So cross my heart and hope to die when I say ‘no more calories’! All you have to do from now on is keep a tab of points. This is how it works, I have given each food item a point, I know how clever is that?! In a day, you get to have a set number of points and you can choose foods from a handy app I’ve put together for your phone. Simple and easy, I know I’m so proud of it!! Believe me, this time it really will be easy. Oh yeah and guess what, you know how you said that you were hungry all the time? Well, I have an answer for that too! If you come back to me, I’ll tell you about these special ‘low fat, delicious’ food range we’ve come up with that you can eat to fill yourself up. Our chefs have spent months coming up with fresh new ideas such as ‘low fat yogurts’, ‘low fat chocolate’, ‘low fat toad in the whole’, in fact low fat everything. AND no calorie counting, each item is clearly marked with its very own point value. I’ve also made sure the food range is reasonably priced and we even have lots of 3 for 2 offers so hope that shows how much I care about your bank balance too.
I know how you had said that our monthly magazines did inspire you but that you could never become one of the success stories. You asked me if we could also show stories of people 1, 2, 3 years after they’d lost weight and I can honestly say we are working on that. In the meantime, we have added additional pages of products from our advertisers who can sell you things to help you reach your goal faster. I know some of the things are unbelievable but you know our motto ‘you’ll never know until you try it’, so start saving now and spend your money on things that could help you. How exciting is that?
And that’s not all either!!! I’ve kept the best bit to last. You won’t believe me but this is the truth, you do not have to pay me a SINGLE PENNY if you come back today because the first month is totally free. Yes, you heard right, totally, utterly, deliciously FREE!!
I’m the first to admit that it hasn’t worked with us before and that I have broken my promise to you over and over again but please trust me this time because I really have changed. I need you and my business can’t survive without members.
They say that doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is insanity – but I don’t believe them!! Anyway, even if I did believe them, I think you should give me another chance because I m not the same as before, I am new and I am improved. It might look like I’ve just re-packaged the same product differently to lure you back, but this time I am telling you the total truth, I have changed and it could work between us.
Don’t read the statistics about how the majority of diets fail, how starving yourself is not the answer because they are lying. I mean you just have to read our magazines to know that right?! You can see monthly how we turn those sad, fat faces into happy, thin and smiling ones so we must be right!
This idea you have that there is another way to lose weight is so far-fetched! How can there possibly be because everyone knows you have to diet to lose weight – period. I think this dreadful new idea ‘The Anti-Diet Lifestyle’ is a pack of lies. I mean we all know the world is flat right?
I’ll leave you to think it over but remember, if you want to be slim, there is only one way, MY WAY.
New, Improved Diet
Written by Sherry Taylor
Author of The Anti-Diet Lifestyle