I think we can all put our hands up when asked the ‘have you ever had a bad lover?’ question.  Before I elaborate further, I think there are two possible reasons you could use when arriving at a ‘yes’ answer to this question:

1. Your partner is not good between the sheets
2. Your relationship is not a supporting one

This then begs many questions like ‘What does a bad relationship look like then?’, ‘What does a bad relationship feel like?’ and ‘What are the results of a bad relationship?’.

Bearing in mind the two points above, let’s examine the answers to these questions in a little detail from the perspective of an onlooker and not biased from anyone within a bad relationship.

What does a bad relationship look like?

Even though every relationship is slightly different, an observer would find these characteristics in many if not all bad relationships:

• When walking down a street you can see that the participants of a bad relationship rarely hold hands or show any affection towards each other
• They may argue in public and use hurtful language freely
• They attack the individual by making nasty personal comments such as ‘you’re fat’, ‘you’re ugly’, ‘you’re useless’
• There is no or very little sexual intimacy
• Sex is withheld as a punishment
• If you have a problem, the last person you can turn to is your partner

What does a bad relationship feel like?

The above behaviours will not only be visible or experienced, they will also have a resulting feeling for those involved, particularly the victim:

• A feeling of not being good enough
• Believing you are ugly
• Believing you are fat
• Believing you are worthless
• Sadness
• Mental and physical pain

What are the results of a bad relationship?

When you are the subject of these behaviours and feelings, have no doubt that the tapestry of your life will be sewn to reflect a picture that mirrors these results:

• You will be stuck in a vicious circle of stagnancy, bereft of personal growth
• You may put on weight
• You will lack self-esteem
• You will lack energy and zest for life
• You will be insecure
• You will be so desperate to improve your relationship that you may let your standards and self-worth slip as a price that needs to be paid in order to achieve the reward you are seeking

Is it any wonder then, that a bad relationship to anything can bring about the same results?  If you think you are fat and ugly and you struggle to lose weight, can I ask you now to examine your relationship with food?  Are there any similarities to what it looks and feels like between your relationship with food to those I’ve listed above when observing a bad relationship with a partner? What results are you achieving?

Does your relationship with food look anything like this?

• In public, you very rarely eat as freely as you would like to. You prefer to eat alone or with those you are totally comfortable with.
• In restaurants or with friends, you eat nothing or very little. You dismiss their objections with ‘I have a very small appetite’ or ‘I’m just not feeling hungry’ or some similar excuse.
• When you catch your reflection in a shop window or mirror you think things like ‘you’re fat’, ‘you’re ugly’, ‘you’re useless’
• You avoid intimate relationships or if you do have a relationship you avoid intimacy
• You refuse to let you partner see you naked
• When you have a problem, you turn to food for comfort

Does your relationship with food feel anything like this?

• A feeling of not being good enough
• Believing you are ugly
• Believing you are fat
• Believing you’re are worthless
• Sadness
• Mental and physical pain

Are the results of your relationship with food anything like this?

• You are stuck in a vicious circle of yo-yo dieting which only results in you gaining the weight back or worse, becoming heavier than you were beforehand
• You put on weight
• You lack self-esteem
• You lack energy and zest for life
• You are insecure
• You binge eat, then starve, then repeat.

If the answers are something like this, then I would seriously ask you to ‘dump’ your current relationship immediately.  The solution though is not as easy to solve as a bad relationship with a partner that you can choose to end.    Because you need food to survive and unlike the choice to be single rather than with a partner, you will need to build a new relationship with food.  Don’t panic, this can totally be achieved!!  It is a gradual process and you will experience a sort of grieving that comes with any type of loss.  The good news is that once you work through the sadness, you will experience a euphoric and satisfying feeling together with finally finding the body of your dreams!!

Written by Sherry Taylor

Author of The Anti-Diet Lifestyle